Induced? (Not for me)
I was finally feeling content after my Rhesus Negative incident with the consultant after 10 days of wondering if I had antibodies (See Rhesus Negative Post)that could attack my babies blood cells.
The consultant I prefer to see knows my anxieties and I rate her highly. I know that they have to follow guidelines and I know that what she said that day was to prepare me for what may lie ahead.
However I was not prepared for what word she used and neither had I even thought about it.
STILLBIRTH – pardon? Am I meant to take this on board. Is this something that I need to know about. It turns out that because of my maternal age I am at risk. Am I prepared to be induced? – no, should I be? Am I prepared that I may need medical help – sort of, if it is needed, but is it needed?
Why am I, all off sudden when I am so close to holding my baby, am I now feeling like I am going to loose my baby?
I ask is there any reason why I should be medically concerned with my babies health and well being. There is nothing. Just that at this stage because I am 38 weeks and so close to the end and because I am 38 years old, I may be at risk because of my maternal age.
I leave feeling completely confused. But I don’t break down and cry when I have seen this consultant. But I do go to bed searching symptoms of still birth and what I should be looking out for.
Friday morning I woke as normal but my Wiggy (my pet name stemming from Wiggle) does not seem to wake with me. For the past week there had been lots of movement and so I waited. I continued to wait throughout the day. I felt movement but it was different and restricted, somehow not what I had been used to.
They always encourage you to contact triage should you have any lack of movement or concerns. But there is also a fear that builds up in you whether you are being paranoid or genuinely not feeling movement. I had always followed my instincts and I had been twice previously for lack of foetal movement, both times baby was fine. By Friday night and not sure what to do I had a bath and sure enough Wiggle moved but not so much. I drank cold water, fizzy lemonade ate garlic that for some reason makes baby move and not much. But very odd movements. Perhaps Labour was starting. Oh yes and the occasional lightening crotch (they don’t tell you about this).
I went to bed and by the early hours off Saturday morning I decided to ring triage. I had my appointment at 9am. As soon as I put the phone down of course Wiggy moved but I had said there had been movement throughout the day just not what I recognised and certainly not like the past week therefore there was a change. Triage is excellent, they don’t take any risks and encourage you to contact them. A valuable service.
I arrived at triage I was hooked up to the CTG, urine tested, blood pressure, temperature and all was ok. As was babies heart beat and readings. A happy baby. But because of my maternal age and because it was my 3rd visit I had to see the consultant.
I felt happy. I realised that on all occasions I had visited in the past it had coincided with stress and lack of bowel movement. Two things that they deny effects the baby and it’s movements, but for me after a release of bowel movement it seems to make a difference. This is my individual feeling. You must not presume this is the same for you.
From the beginning I seemed to struggle with wind and I have felt it has effected my feelings and I definitely know that stress effects me greatly to. I somehow become detached to my body and feelings when I am stressed.
The consultant arrived. I recognised her but couldn’t place where or when I had seen her.
I trust on the whole what the professionals say but I will challenge if i do not fully understand what they are saying or if my inner voice questions it. Always use the BRAIN acronym.
It was a big blow when she offered me to be INDUCED. I asked what was medically wrong. The answer being because I had been there with lack of foetal movement, because of my maternal age and the risks of still birth, I should consider it, but of course it is my choice to make. Is it my choice or am I influenced by your profession and words?
I was there alone just about ready to leave satisfied with my results and here she is offering me to be induced. So I asked if I could think about it and she said of course, she would leave me for a short time and return. I said NO I need to leave here and go away talk with my partner and family and then I would decide.
She offered to examine me to see what stage we would be at to see what I could have done. Again my answer was NO. Why would I want to do that when no one has given me any medical reason that my baby is not OK.
It is not ok that you are putting me into a category and that you are not considering my positive readings. I am not text book although I do believe text book exists because of tragedy, because of scientific research because of life itself but I also have to protect this life from unnecessary invasion.
It reminds me of ovulation and when they test your progesterone. The guidelines say test at day 21 (7 days after ovulation) but not everyone ovulates on day 14. I ovulated on day 9! I was not textbook. My EDD (estimated due date) is based on the last day of my menstrual period because they can not say for sure when you conceive. Read my post on it! Ovulation & Conception.
We agreed that I would return on Monday (tomorrow) for more tests and to try and bring my scan forward. I said I will not consider any intervention unless you give me clear medical grounds that my baby is at risk and needs to be induced. I said we will see what the scan says. She said if you are being induced you won’t have a scan, I said there is no decision without a scan. Show me and tell me what is wrong. As it stands now it is guidelines.
If there was an emergency, if I was at risk, would they off let me leave the hospital. They said they will try and bring my scan forward but they are short staffed. So am I at risk or not? Why has no one informed me of the benefits and risks to being induced. Why have I still not been informed by NHS staff and yet a Hypnobirthing course does?
I am a strong person but being in that position and not prepared with fear being placed in me could quite easily of led to me being unnecessarily induced, that may of not even worked, caused stress to me and baby. Is that the right path to take?
I could also be making the worst decision . It may be that the best choice at this stage is to start Labour but where is the medical evidence that is individual to me and Wiggle?
If I was a person who wasn’t so proactive and strong could I be led to make a wrong choice that left the situation worst because I didn’t challenge what the consultant had said.
It’s a very tricky place to be in. You want the best for your baby. Inside I was screaming NO don’t do it but my head was saying what If?
But again there were no medical reasons. I rang the midwife later that night who wrote up my notes and saw me. In the UK you keep a white book with you so I was able to see my results. I questioned everything and all my results were great.
This is the same midwife who said to me I was an intelligent person and I said to her, I know you can’t pass your opinion but is there anything from my results that indicates to you my baby is not Ok in this moment now? No.
I cried in front of the consultant. Perhaps some Mothers want to be induced. They can’t wait for it. For me every minute more is precious. My baby is nearing ready but isn’t quite ready. I can feel it. I know in my heart it was not right. Maybe tomorrow it will be. Maybe next week my EDD (estimated due date) I will reconsider but only on medical grounds, not because I fit in a range because of my age or amount of visits to triage. If i hadn’t of visited I wouldn’t be writing this now perhaps.
For now I have to believe in my inner voice and as there is NO evidence that something is wrong I have to base my choice to decline being induced on that.
These are my last days or weeks in my pregnancy. I did not plan this but as usual I am learning more and more. A strong voice is needed to question everything.
I am not naive, babies are sadly lost, I have witnessed late loss through others and I would never want to go through that. I am scared I have come this far and I may loose again.
This is my lucky 3rd chance in trying to be pregnant since 2016 but at the same time I have a right and so does my baby to arrive when it is ready. Pregnancy is a lot about statistics. I think I’m a good example. My journey at the start I was told I didn’t fit into any range. My eggs were not so good, I would struggle to conceive. That’s another post see here half way down titled DOCTORS APPOINTMENT.
The consultant I saw Saturday at triage came to mind. The last time I had seen her she had upset me then. She is doing her job. I know she has to inform patients of risks. I know there are risks. But I am low risk. I am healthy, active and all my results are positive.
Some medical staff you see along the way are just so good at what they do, you feel like you are a person, for others you are a number. That is the reality.
I can only pray I have made the right choice but this baby is not a lottery, it is not 50/50. It is living in me and if it is ok and happy why am I messing with nature?
I can not let fear make a choice for me. Here is the guidelines for more information that you should read if you are considering being induced NICE – The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) provides national guidance and advice to improve health and social care.
