Heartbeats no more

Your little heart beating gave me hope,
Hope I have seen before and lost,
But I still focused on holding you in my arms,
I created a future, I painted our life on a blank canvas – but that’s not a reality, maybe you’re my final message.

I waited patiently for those seconds that seem to take forever,
I emptied my bladder but I thought maybe you were still there,
I held onto hope for so many seconds more as the probe entered into darkness.

There you were perfectly formed, perfectly protected by my progesterone uterus,
But your heart wasn’t beating anymore and you were floating around not wanting to let go.

I wailed so bad in disbelief and yet deep down I always know,
But until the scan and the confirmed “No” I hold onto hope and the picture in my mind.

My recordings is my way of healing,
Music once again penetrates my soul,
Five years this planned journey and I am blessed,
Yes I am “at least I have one” that’s true I know.
But loss is STILL loss and every single loss was a part of my soul,
Every beating heart and even my December loss who didn’t get a beating heart still grew in me.
For 4 weeks I carried a soul that formed but the heart never started and the soul became unviable because of Edwards’ Syndrome.

My beating heartbeats all 8 of them dancing together in heaven.

I talk about my experiences like I am stood outside of my body looking in on another person, detached from myself.
But then it hits me at times when you never expect, time has no measure it is a personal journey you don’t forget.

I am grieving all my little souls even the ones I never planned from all those years ago.

My heartbeats no more. 

Written by Janine Simone
7th April finished 8th April post theatre.