5 Months!!!

Where does time go. The days, weeks and months pass so quickly. Photos are taken daily and they keep filling my space up on my phone but my daily record off being a Mother has become nil.

I have to confess that social media has been taking over. When I am feeding and my daughter sleeps I become confined to the place I am in. It is easy to go through news feeds with my spare arm while I am feeding. It is easy to get caught into a world of negativity and conflict.

This does not help with my head. It is something I have highlighted each week in my CBT sessions that add to my fears and anxieties. Each week I tell myself not to read into the stories of violence and sadness. I should hide from it all. But I can’t seem to escape it.

I don’t want to be ignorant to the sufferings off the world but at the same time there is a toxic side in my head that over rides a lot about being a Mum.

My daughter has a great social life. We do a lot of nice activities. But my head is always risk assessing and presenting with traumatic scenarios and what if situations. I believe this is perfectly normal for parents to be scared but my fears are perhaps a bit more extreme.

This is what happens when you have traumatic loss in your life. It is like a learned behaviour and expectancy.

Two things I fear

1) I die and she loses me and

2) She dies and I loose her

I wrote a list the other night off things to do if I die for the sake of her.

Death haunts me and I hear off tragic young people loosing their fight to disease, to violence on the streets, to just dying. It’s tragic. It scares me.

Living with this in my mind is tiring.

But Being a Mum is amazing. I could do it full time. The thought of leaving my daughter to be cared for outside of the very secure home scares me.

The windows must be shut if I walk into another room. If I walk upstairs I have to make sure all is locked up. I am so scared of my daughter being snatched.

Surely this is not normal. Does it stop?

It has got easier. I can eat out much more easily than I did. Hot drinks around her don’t scare me as much and people and noises although it can trigger my anxiety it has calmed down.

I’m not surprised I have not kept up with my day to day blogs.

I can easily live life day to day and I know those that know and see me with my daughter would be so shocked to think I am this way inside my head. Thats where it stays though.

I don’t want my daughter to take on my fears and so our relationship is amazing with each other. I smile as I look at her. Loving her is easy but the pain I feel with this love is extreme. I am so scared that I won’t  always be able to protect her, I am so scared of losing her. All I can do is try my best in building her a good foundation and pray she is like me in some ways for being alert and risk assesing but not to the degree it causes havoc with daily life.

Life is the best it ever has been for me. I wish I could freeze these moments and relive them in the future when life has changed.

I am under no illusion I am hitting 40 next year. Life has it’s cycle and that I’d something I can not comprehend when it comes to my family – the end of life.

So I have banned social media for a while and reading the news to see if my thoughts improve. Perhaps I will get back to being more creative and keep up to date with this blog.

The truth is though, I wanted to share real day to day Motherhood and so this is a part off it, dealing with hormones, rebalancing and all the scary things parenting can bring.

So upto now I am still breast feeding I have added formula last week thats a post in itself. See here.

I decided to take my full maternity. We have done so many things I really should make a list and congratulate myself.

My daughter is so funny and developing so well. She has her own personality. Gosh I love her, I love being a Mum, I love that she is my daughter.