It’s been a while – Living with OCD

I have been thinking a lot lately about this site, what it was meant for (where did time go) what I want to achieve from it. How I was meant to be recording my maternity days, being a new Mum, the trials and tribulations. I’d say I’ve had my fair share and it is ongoing.

I want to reach out to Mothers who may suffer silently with the post pregnancy stages of Motherhood. I can only reach out to other Mothers because I believe that hormonal changes are responsible for the way that I am. I am reaching out to all females who have carried and birthed a child. This is because I had postnatal OCD.

I want to help and offer support. But I have a very big issue. I am scared of exposing myself and my child in the process. I have been on and off social media, deleting posts and photos, links to my past, old blogs, old websites, I have googled myself and then recreated myself under different names and profiles. I am so scared of something.

I have given myself a new name so I can post reviews without it being traced to my personal life. Yet it is my personal life. So how can I reach out and offer support and share how I am if I’m so scared of exposure and who may know me.

I am so scared my baby will be kidnapped. It happens. The stories haunt me.

This is OCD, this is my world that I am living in. I didn’t even know I had OCD the way I do. I knew in the past I used to clean in order to be able to sleep. I thought that was OCD.

But no OCD is a silent tormenting shadow festering in the dark corners of my mind waiting to pounce when I am vulnerable and weak.

It has resided within me for effing years. I have finally realised why I have been the way I have through life. Having to sit in certain places, loud noise echoing in my ears transferring to horrible thoughts towards people I love. How do you explain that? You withdraw, you hide, you eliminate yourself from the situation, you have rituals and safety behaviours. Through all my therapy, throughout all these years I have a baby and wham, I am diagnosed. I had postnatal OCD. I suppose at times I still do have. I am not sure what classifies me as having to had. I suppose I am in the OCD spectrum for life. The postnatal period in the medical world will classify this.

It was like a light switch of love and emotion when I birthed my baby. I lost all control and this is why OCD hit me. I was and still am so scared she will be taken from me. For months I would not even leave the room for the toilet without locking the windows that were already locked. I had to pray over and over to feel and be safe. These are safety behaviours. I was so scared that something terrible would happen I wouldn’t even walk past the banister to the bathroom 2 metres away without some sort of safety behaviour in place.

How did I conquer that I ask myself now. EXPOSURE through CBT helped me to realise that it was my head and I realise I needed to rewire myself.

Once I took control back (ironically) I got over it. At times it creeps back. Stress causes triggers so does tiredness. I had to make sure the sharp knives were not anywhere I could see them when tea time struck. This was a hard time for me. Loud noises, hot foods, hot environment and knives. Big horrible ones. I also know that OCD was triggered within my pregnancy and especially the last stages. (Perinatal OCD) by knives being around.

News story’s that I caught a glimpse from, one word would capture me and to feel safe I would have to read the article to establish if we were at risk and to work out the level of risk through the outcome of the story. From that, hours of trawling through news articles left me feeling so disturbed. What a scary world I have brought my child into. How can I keep us from harm. The fear extends to myself. What happens If I die, my child needs me. It’s horrendous.

Last night my partner saw my news feed history and he was shocked at the “crap” I read. For me I am seeing what is going on, where is safe, where is not and how I can protect us. It’s on our own streets, in our towns, violence, ego and me – fear.

I told my 9 month this morning. Do whatever you like in life but you must do martial arts to protect yourself.

I think people who don’t know me think I’m crazy and those that are used to me think I’m crazier! It’s true family and friends don’t really understand. The only people who do are those that live with it and know what it’s like. You are often misunderstood and perceived as being difficult when in reality you are just trying to stop the intrusive thoughts from happening so you can stop having (at times) horrible images and thoughts.

It’s not been easy living with this, trying to run a normal Mum life, taking my child to places that scare me like a walk in a park (just in case I’m robbed and murdered) living with compulsions, obsessions and safety behaviours.

Luckily though I did expose myself a lot without even realising it, challenging my brain. I put pressure on myself looking back. I remember the first class we attended at 2 weeks old, all the other parents saying I was brave. I saw it as I had to or I never would. It was hard but I have maintained a good social life for my child.

This is why I need to do something about it and stop hiding myself because others are suffering. I’m hearing more and more people relating and opening up to it.

I am a lot better but I know I am still balancing up with my hormones. I think it is so underestimated how much time it takes to return (if we ever do) to a balanced hormonal state of being after the journey of pregnancy. Well for me it is.

Suffering with mental health from a young age doesn’t help so I new I would be prone to something but OCD took me to a new level.

I now need to work out how I can use the platforms to help not hinder my head. Everything I do these days leave me in panic mode. A simple email stresses me out. Has my tone been taken wrong which results in waiting for a reply anxiously.

I hate the word paranoid that stems from my school years that I struggled with and it haunts me but I have to admit I am paranoid to a degree. It’s a circular battle.

So I’ve often found the word paranoid to trigger a “I’m not paranoid” response that has actually led me to being paranoid because I don’t trust anyone then anxiety kicks in and the intrusive thoughts can begin.

Some days I think I’m OK and it’s gone. Others it just creeps back in. What I do know is CBT is an excellent therapy at looking into your brain and sorting it out and realising how these thoughts are so far from the truth.

I always went against CBT and even when I started it I felt frustrated and wanted to walk out. But it turned out to be the right therapy for me.

My journey and intentions have changed and I feel now I am heading in the right direction to hopefully help others. When you come out of the core of postnatal OCD and start reaching the other side which coincides usually with more sleep and hormones balancing, there is a clear picture of what you where in but relief you are out. I think living with OCD can be helped massively and I am hopeful some more therapy will clear up the residing niggles that can rear up at times.

Have Hope 🙂

I have added the link for a later post on OCD here.