Feeling Emotional

This time last year I was loosing my 2nd planned pregnancy within 7 months of loosing my first planned pregnancy from 2016. My 2nd pregnancy was only 5 weeks old but it nevertheless shattered me once again.

My 1st planned pregnancy was 11 weeks old.

You don’t get any support under about 7 weeks and so I was told to go home and ride through it basically. It would be like a heavy period. I was devastated. I felt that someone choosing to loose their baby were offered more support than me, I wasn’t even offered a tablet to help it along.

They made me feel like 5 weeks was nothing and that most women probably wouldn’t even know they were pregnant in that time.

I am not text book, I am an individual and I knew I was pregnant very early on. I battled with the doctors to do my bloods to proove I was and I battled with them to proove I was loosing the pregnancy. I was right both times. To me life is a miracle and if at 3 weeks there is a heart beat then there is life and to loose that was difficult.

I found the 5 week pregnancy far more difficult to deal with than 11 weeks. The pain I felt from the passing was no heavy period, I was not able to even work as they said I would. I spent a week in bed while it all passed and I was in pain in all ways, physically, mentally, emotionally while my soul suffered.

That loss added with my previous loss both much wanted and planned, along with the memory of a surprise loss years earlier made me feel worthless.

I am now here spending my last hours, days even a week with my bump feeling very teary and emotional reflecting on my journeys.

These last times as me on my own, transitioning into a new life, like the butterfly takes flight after it’s transition from caterpillar, I to am going to transition onto my new journey.

I am ready to be a Mother. I am ready to welcome my miracle into this world and love this life our love created. But with it I grieve and say goodbye to all that I have know. All that I have been.

I feel honoured to be here now as I reflect on the loss and pain I have felt. The trauma I experienced.

The love and elation I felt when I had my first positive test in 2016 was an amazing feeling. I had the chance to feel that and I had 11 weeks to experience something I will never experience again. I completely got lost in Motherhood from the moment I saw positive.

Each pregnancy after is different somehow. I spent the first 26 weeks in this pregnancy fearful. I still am so scared being so close to the end.

I am not sure what I am. But I know when I look at the Moses basket with the coloured lights around it, I see me and my life, for this is where my Mother laid me to sleep as a newborn and this is me now looking forward to watching my baby as he/she sleeps 38 years later in the same basket.

I am emotional. I am happy. I am sad for the past gone and my life leaving me. It’s part of my transition. But I want this so very much, so letting go is a natural process.

I can not know yet how I will feel but I imagine I will never feel anything more euphoric than holding our baby in my arms.

This is me.