Chemical Pregnancy

I remember my losses.  It is never easy losing a positive pregnancy however early I have been but I still feel nature had taken its course and with time life resumes. I still can never comprehend later losses and in some ways I have been blessed to have experienced mine for a short amount of time to try and understand and process it. I have to say now with my daughter the chemical pregnancies although not nice for me, it’s my body just doing what nature does and I believe in letting things be. So I hope that I am blessed again but I feel so honoured to have my girl.

I am classed as an older Mum now but that does not explain or justify why my body rejects.  I have my own theory’s but they are not text book so they are irrelevant. It relates to my blood type though. I also have my suspicions about my levels of progesterone that I will post about later.

My daughter is all I dreamed off and she made it here. I decided that it was tough mentally and I was not really sure if I could cope with all the hormones and emotions that came with it to warrant me even trying again. But I always wanted children so I decided to let nature take its course in not trying to prevent it. It’s not actually that easy to conceive for a lot of people and for me to sustain it seems to be even harder.

I had over a few past months instinctively known I was pregnant but my period arrived on its predicted day (I am very fortunate to be very regular) so I have never had a formal test to confirm the past 2 or 3 suspicions as I promised myself I would wait and not test early. I have always known my body and for 3 out of the 6 months of not being careful I honestly could say I was pregnant. I did use ovulation test sticks for testing, as I did with my other pregnancies prior to the period day and they were all positive. But I did not use any pregnancy tests to confirm them so I can not rely on that although I do know my body and my signs but I do not document any pregnancy unless it is a confirmed positive.

This month I had instinctively felt “odd” but like the last few months I just waited for the day to arrive with no early testing, but I did not do any ovulation stick testing this time. We are in isolation so the fact I had no ovulation sticks around was probably the real reason I did not use them! It was a warm day for May, I was tired, extra tired, prawn crisps were my thing, it was commented on how many packs I was eating.

Anyway the day of the due period because I am clockwork, I thought I would do a test based on my instincts, I was so disappointed when there was no line. I had my shower. When I returned I did that microscopic look into the light and would you believe there was a faint line. My instincts and the way I was feeling was right.

I should have stopped there and then. But all my emotions, they just flooded me, my first official positive pregnancy test since the positive test from my present daughter, I was elated. The test line was faint, very faint, why did I not hear the bells ringing, I didn’t, I told my family I was with at the time as I was so excited. But a word of caution with the news was “it may not last” but I didn’t hear my own voice. I was pregnant. I did the digital and it confirmed it.

I told my family at home where I live but I wouldn’t let them toast it. There were tears of excitement but deep down the feeling was there and I was passing caution at that point. It was likely this would not stay. But as before it can’t surely happen to me again, it did and within finding out I was pregnant within a week my bleed was starting.

Majority of people would think they were late for their period and accept that. It always surprises me how soon my body seems to know, the changes that take place yet the bleed is so painful and it is so early on but how much had formed in tissue to decipher it. Its not your normal period its different as it passes and for some reason I get really unwell and tired. I feel like a have a virus in my body, it feels like my body is fighting itself.

Emotionally I shut down. Still have. It’s nature but it’s the 4th planned pregnancy and I have one daughter. I am older and I am not sure I can go through this.

Chemical pregnancy is the technical name. I am sensitive and I feel and know what is going on with my body. Maybe in the past I did not get to the test stage and some of the others I have mentioned in recent months could have been positives to. So I feel I am having them more regularly than I realise.  I

I do want another pregnancy (I think), but I am scared and I want to be the best Mother to my daughter and I have questioned whether nature is trying to tell me something. But I got the taste and I want it again. Doing this blog again and working on the videos has brought it all back. The fears but the joy!

Although you can get a positive and a negative within 2 weeks, it is a roller-coaster and very emotional for any loss in life. But I accept it. What else can I do.

Here is a link to some information on Chemical Pregnancy see here.

I didn’t know what picture to put with this post so I took one of myself just as I finished it. Me in project work mode. Feeling positive now I can reflect on it.