First Post – The Beginning

This is the background to my journey and experiences. I have touched on these in other posts but felt it would be good to have this as it is the background and foundations for BudBaby.

Here is my story. It’s a long one!

November 2015 we decided that we would start trying for a baby.  I had knowledge of my cycle for not getting pregnant, as I prefer natural birth prevention methods by tracking my ovulation/cycle chart.

I was not successful in November but that was a bit of a hit and miss situation anyway with dates. December was Christmas so in my mind I would avoid that time thinking it would be my last Christmas (alcohol intake) before my pregnancy and try from February.

I fell pregnant in June 2016. My first sign was eating an apple and just not liking the taste. I bought a test and there was the faintest line.

Apparently you never get a false positive. I contacted my friend and she said to get a specific Clear Blue test. I was 2 weeks pregnant on the digital screen and had not had a missed period at that stage. I was ecstatic.

I didn’t tell my partner as I wanted to check again the following morning. He thought my tears were anxiety, although he did ask if I was pregnant but I said No! I just felt happy. He is used to my strange behavior so there were no more questions asked.

The next day it was confirmed and I made the biggest deal out off it. We were both shocked but decided to keep the news to ourselves.

We waited for a private 6 week viability scan that was 95% accurate in the pregnancy going to full term, before we would share our news. I was far to excited to wait for the 12 week scan.

The scan day was awful mainly down to the customer services team in Manchester directing us the wrong way in Preston and describing a building that I don’t think the person dealing with me had ever seen. She had sent us in the wrong direction, we were late and I was really wound up by her attitude towards me and I broke down on arrival. (The company is BabyBond. The customer services team at Manchester at that time were appauling throughout the weeks that followed my scan.)

The scan itself I can’t fault but my overall experience was not the best which is being polite –  bordering on horrendous is more like it.

The scan showed everything that it needed to for viability in fact the sonographer was so positive about it, I was over the moon at that part and being able to share my news. I felt so connected from the start I’d even named my new life Rose Christina and felt she was a girl something I will never know.

I fought for the next 3-4 weeks with customer services at Babybond to get a rescan because of their appauling attitude towards me. They all stuck together and it wasn’t an easy fight but in the end I managed it, after a friend had to step in to aid me, after my numerous letters, emails and phonecalls. Thank you Kirsty.

My next scan was booked at 11 weeks.  I was with my Mother and partner who wasn’t going to go with us due to his experience of seeing me so distraught at the first scan but I managed to persuade him thankfully.

I was in the waiting room looking at the images on the wall and I told Mum that I would be going to my 12 week scan that next week and pointing at an image of a baby.

I was so excited she was meeting her grandchild for the first time.

We went in the room and the Sonographer was lovely. We had the 2nd scan at BabyBond – Burnley Lancashire.

We began. There was silence, my heart sank, where was my baby. A blank black empty space, no heart beating no nothing. She said she would have to do an internal. I was shaking. I emptied my bladder and returned. We were all in shock. She asked a few questions, had I bled, any signs, I’d had no physical signs other than a really bad IBS attack, but I’d put it down to all the stress I’d been under.

I’d had a missed miscarriage, I’d hemorrhaged and I’d had no obvious physical symptoms or reactions. I realised that the IBS was probably my physical sign of miscarrying but still no bleed.

It was a Sunday when this happened and I was booked into the EPU (early pregnancy unit) for Monday.

That afternoon my partner took me out in the car and I got wasted with alcohol. I’d chosen not to drink in my pregnancy but I wasn’t pregnant anymore and I couldn’t cope with the pain. I cried and drank all Sunday afternoon. I didn’t know what else to do.

The EPU team at Burnley are absolutely amazing. But there are guidelines to be followed and after a choice of options I choose to have a D&C which is surgery to remove the pregnancy. I couldn’t face any other option. I was offered the appointment a week later which I think is appauling for any person to go through. I wasn’t going home with this. To me I’d lost the most precious gift I’d ever been given. They don’t class it as a baby at 11 weeks but with a beating heart at 3 weeks that I witnessed, it was life and it was my baby.

I debated with the staff member dealing with me and I know it wasn’t her fault  – there are guidelines to follow but in the end my mental state of waiting and going home was at risk and I was booked in for the Wednesday. That was bad enough waiting two days but better than the original offer.

I don’t know how I got through the day. I record photos for memory journals and although I probably looked ok on the outside, inside I was tearing apart. I put on a brave face. I never really dealt with it, even now my soul is missing something.

That day I found out I was Rhesus Negative. I didn’t know. You don’t always get informed about your own health, I’ve noticed this throughout my pregnancy in the medical world. Luckily the nurse looked at me and said “do you know you are Rhesus negative” well NO! I didn’t even know what that meant. My obsession began.

There are posts on this obsession! Rhesus Negative

After the surgery I had my first Anti-D injection something that has become very symbolic in the rhesus negative world. I was the first female in East Lancashire North West area to have the first ever genotyping tested to check babies blood type. What an achievement. See above post on Rhesus Negative

I had the surgery, the remains removed and I went home without any record off it. You are not offered to take your remains home to deal with it. In the medical world a baby is not acknowledged to my understanding at the early stages and you are not entitled to your remains. I think I was invited to a service in the hospital. All the remains are medically disposed off together. I find this difficult even now to comprehend.

I didn’t deal with my loss as I have said. I had some time off work. I had to un tell the people that knew – that was difficult as I told quite a few people based on the 95% viability scan.

I remember my first client back at work was a pregnant lady. I felt really happy for her – what a gift. Treating her was a way for me to face it but I never did. I am good at my chosen field off work in Holistic Therapies.

I carried on. It was difficult to connect with my partner physically for some time. It’s almost like I had a plaster over me healing the scars. In time I was able to think about moving forward.

I never stopped thinking about Rose. I still don’t. It was her due date in March 2018. It was approaching Mothers day so a double blow. I was wishing I would be pregnant to distract the date. I know due dates are pointless but it kind off puts a stamp in your head. I couldn’t rid the stamp.

At the time my 2nd cousin was also due her baby (triple blow). I don’t ever feel remorse or jealousy and I am not envious. But I was grieving and these landmarks made it more real, although I was still not dealing with the loss.

The due date came. The pregnancy test was negative. My 2nd cousin had her baby boy on my due date. I was really pleased for his safe arrival but I felt lost. I wished the day away.

The next day I did another test. I had the faintest line and I was pregnant. I kept it quiet. I’d planned a weekend for Mothers Day and thought what a lovely surprise for that day.

It was a difficult week leading upto that. I felt unwell and exhausted. I wanted it to be the most perfect weekend for my Mother. On the Friday I had my bloods taken to confirm the pregnancy. I was pregnant but my levels were not that high somewhere in the 70’s. We had a nice weekend but I didn’t tell my family I was pregnant. Instead when I arrived back I rang the doctors and my bloods indicated I was in the process of another miscarriage. It was devastating. I knew deep down.

I rang my familiar safe place (EPU – Early pregnancy unit) but because I was early they decided not to offer me any support instead I was advised to let it go naturally and it would be like a period.

If I was choosing not to have this baby I would be offered more support and a pill to help it pass. How does this happen. I wanted this so much and yet I had to suffer it alone with no aid to pass it.

This miscarriage went on for over a week. It was far worst than my 11 week one. I could feel everything. The period came and wasn’t like a period. It was the worst bleed I’d ever experienced and I spent a week in bed feeling very unwell with it all. I remember waking in the early hours when the passing began. I drew my legs up to my belly in to the foetal position while I sobbed to myself.

I felt lost. I felt very alone.

After that loss I needed to heal on an inner level.

I went into my world of Holistic Therapies and saw my Reflexologist weekly. I knew that it would help to balance my hormones and help me heal on all levels – Mental, emotional, physical and spiritually.

We worked very hard combining our skills as therapists.

I also ventured of to Santorini Greece by myself. Somewhere I always dreamed of going to. Looking back I can’t believe I did it!

It is amazing how grief can numb fears.

I thought after all the hard work I had done it would be a very cleansing and a healing time for me. But it was quite traumatic and on reflection there was a lot of deeper healing to be done and that is where I feel I did it.

I came home traumatised from an accident on the way to the airport that left me even more unbalanced. More work to be done.

This is when I started to use visualisation techniques with my Reflexologist which I believe helped heal my body and prepare for the pregnancy.

The power of thought.

It was a Thursday. I’d already had it starred in my dairy yet it wasn’t a peak ovulation day. I was exhausted and decided there was no point in making the journey to where my partner lived.

An astrology friend random messaged me and basically said the “planet’s are in alignment now is the time”. So with that and my star in my calender I went. Thank you Chantelle for the push I needed. A very talented astrolger.

Here I am now pregnant very soon I will be holding my baby in my arms.