HAZEY

It’s been a while. I’m not even sure if I have spelt “Hazey” correctly, but then it sums up how I am feeling today and for the last few days.

14 months since my life changed and wow how it does. Nothing can prepare you apart from living it. I’ve reached exhaustion!

I’m very happy but for some unknown reason this last week I’ve hit what could be similar to baby blues that came in the first few weeks post birth.

I could almost think I was pregnant again except I am not after two very heavy periods, not something I have been used to, another change to my body post baby.

My emotions are very heightened. I feel like I could cry. I feel heavy in my head. I’ve been suffering with bad headaches and light sensitivity. It’s an easy route to think the worst but looking at my own lifestyle – unhealthy eating habits (to many coffee and cakes), lack of sleep (catching up with work admin late into the night), on the go all the time (not much time for me) it is easy to understand why I may feel this way.

I’m a new Mum, 14 months on, but it is still new because each day is a new challenge. Everything is new as I have no prior experience to compare it to. I am tired because my girl still wakes during the night and we co-sleep so my rest is sporadic. Now that she is walking it is even more tiring.

But I am responsible for how I feel because I do not take care of myself or manage our life to it’s best potential. Two days ago I reached a point when I decided I needed to find my identity again. I didn’t realise I had lost it until it was suggested to me from some points I had put forward in a discussion. I am exploring hypnotherapy to help manage my thought processes and actions around food among other issues.

The question about my identity is, when and where did I loose it because I don’t feel this is from Motherhood alone however so much had happened leading up to it I am not surprised I have got lost on this journey.

Today marks 1 year we have attended sign language (Talk First) see post here and today right now my girl is at a new 2nd nursery having a settling in session.  This is to give me some time to focus on myself and catch up on all the work that I have had no time for. It is also because she is so active and loves integrating and playing with other children. There is only so much I can provide for her. Who would of thought 6 months ago when she started her primary nursery that she loves and I love to, that I would have the confidence to start her at a 2nd one. We all need time for ourselves. I dedicate so much time to her that along with working and my duty to her, I have absolutely no time for my self care and running of my own life. I have hopefully found a balance for both of us.

For now I have started to decrease my addiction to sugar, coffee and cakes which itself leaves me feeling quite sad inside!

Sugar is like any addiction, to come off what the body is used to and craves, is quite a difficult process as I am having withdrawal symptoms.

This to shall pass.