Loss

I’m in hospital waiting for my pregnancy to let go. I’m doing a lot of cleansing. I’m listening to music. I’m writing poetry again. I’ve just written this on my feelings off loss. It’s not a poem. I’ll post my poem when it’s finished.

I’m happy but there is an underlying current of fear that revolves around loss. At any time the current can change and take the people I love away –  I never underestimate that.

My first loss was my Grandma. At that time I was sad but I seemed to accept it more easily, at that age than any later loss. The losses of other family members and friends I don’t forget and some are incredibly sad but the traumatic deaths are the hardest ones for me to process and can take many years. Young age and a sentence to death by illness and disease I find very difficult.

At 15 I became obsessed with the loss of someone who wasn’t even in my life for many years, but was very much as a child. I wrote poetry about the person,visited where they were laid to rest and spent many years listening to one song that was played at the funeral. It was a theme in my life and I still have no idea why.

All my life I feared loss. From 18 I had my first traumatic loss. This person was my friend, older, very much a dangerous man in his time, but still an anchor in my messed up life. I used to say he was murdered which he would have hated but ultimately he was, he was attacked and died. He died of heart issues.

For many years I obsessed over that, had a song that was a theme and wrote many poems and even a blog. Each year on his anniversary I would commemorate him. I held him in high regard because he saved me when I was vulnerable, protected me, but never ever tried to hurt me or take advantage of me.

A lot of people looked on as I must of had a relationship with him but I never did. He was my friend. Even my GP recorded my distraught as loss of boyfriend. I only found that out recently. I was mortified that’s the last thing he was. But I was obsessed with his death. Years of morning you would of thought something more. Trauma is a difficult thing for me to deal with. I’m sure I get some sort of post traumatic stress. Things can all of a sudden come back and hit me hard in my core.

My next trauma was loosing someone who was a piece of my heart but another strong figure in my life he was apart of my growth as a child. He hung himself. That is the worst pain I have ever felt and even today as I lie here losing my pregnancy, the blanket I am covered with relates to him. I’ll never heal from this.

Not long after I lost my friend who fell hit his head and died. I’m still processing both losses they actually lived with each other for some time so I imagine them together.

Amongst all of this I have lost 6 pregnancies with my current partner and recently someone I adored and loved to a lung condition.  Three of these pregnancy losses which have and today are being managed by the hospital. I have one child who I adore.

Loss is prevalent in my life. I expect it. I pray to ask that there is no more losses especially the people in my life I love. But it’s inevitable isn’t it. Loss is always going to happen.

I struggle with life at times not like I used to but times like today when your insides are being removed it’s hard but thankfully I have my child and so I always have to be here now.

I’m not ashamed of my past thoughts and actions. I’m not suicidal, I have been, I tried and failed thankfully – selfish cow – I hear you say.

But I’m so happy I didn’t die and spend my life praying I don’t die for my child’s sake. I feel so sad for the ones who don’t get there 2nd 3rd chances and guess what I obsess over deaths and every now and again I check that local area website for age and cause of death. Its surprising how many choose to end their life’s and how they do it. Why I look at this register I’ll never know.

I go through obituaries and In my head if they are older and it’s natural I can deal with it better but that’s in the 90’s age group and I still think it’s to young.

Anything younger makes me sad but really young, I find it hard especially those that didn’t have a choice but for those that did the desperation they feel to contemplate and act on it without much scope for survival I find troubling to process. I am empathic to understanding how you can get in that place and I know my first attempt was a regret and perhaps a mistake but my 2nd scared me. My soul was black and all I could think about was dying and being with those I was obsessing over at that time. I was clearly not OK in my mind.

But I went through that dark tunnel and I made it out and my life is flipping brilliant everyday even the shit ones when I curl up into the fetal position not actually sure why I’m crying or down. These days I recover quickly thankfully and have to crack on being Mummy. My child doesn’t see that part of me but I am open with emotions. Don’t want you thinking I’m a failure as a Mum because I’m flipping good at it.

I’m not right in many ways bit neither are any of you reading this. We are all made with different chemical makeup. We all have our good and not so good points but mental health is a tricky one because chemicals are responsible – those you take in your life the not legal ones screw with you and those prescribed equally for some and me caused problems with my chemical makeup. I’m a sensitive soul.

So Loss for me is a big problem. Life can be the perfect day and me underneath I see death and loss and mourning something I will never get back but I’m recording every perfect moment in my mind with those I love.

Live in the now they say, Step by step, day by day, all very true, breath I say, mindfulness they say.