Not OK

It’s been a tough week. I’ve found myself in some strange places hiding while I sort myself out. I’m currently sat in Tesco carpark having a mini picnic, drinking a non-alcoholic larger wondering if I can even legally drive!

Now I’m not pregnant I can drink again (except I stopped drinking the non-alcoholic larger when I fell pregnant-odd I know I am!)

I feel incredibly guilty sat here drinking thinking what must people think of me, something I need to stop doing.

I had a breakdown today at a hospital appointment. Nothing to do with the actual appointment. I had no idea why I was so emotional and I would say it was more an anxiety attack, something I very rarely suffer with anymore.

I calmed down made my way to the next part of the appointment in another building and when she asked me my name I couldn’t talk or look at her. My eyes were streaming with tears.

Luckily, because not all people have common sense, she asked if I was OK, realised I was clearly not, took me into a quiet room, offered water (rare these days human offering with Covid) and I continued to let of my emotions until I calmed right down, dried my tears and continued.

Just a disaster really. I said to myself last week, “It’s OK to be Ok,” I really dislike the “It’s ok not to be ok,” not sure why it just bugs me. I felt ok though at the time and a week later I fall apart.

I think for a few days your drugged up and everyone is different how the body responds.  The Anesthetic is always quite pleasant going under as quick as you do. Afterwards normally after a day of not eating everything tastes good but for me and my obsession for food that time, it wasn’t all that.

I spent 2 days eating chocolate and by Sunday I was feeling it. (Post here).(Post here).

I have recently found out the gender of my Edwards’ Syndrome loss and she was a girl 💜

But I had to ask the question. It wasn’t given to me freely and I’m not sure why. The report states the Edwards’ Syndrome and that information is given in my case over the phone. But I had to ask numerous times what gender my pregnancy was. I got my report sent to me and my answer and I feel I can start to find some closure. Perhaps the information isn’t freely given because for some it effects them in a different way.

I think for me it highlights the need to ask questions and I always resort back to BRAIN Acronym whenever I am in a position I am unsure about. I used this for my options of removing the pregnancy.

I suppose this pregnancy (April loss) like 2016, there was a beautiful beating heart and there was hope.

With my December loss the heart never got to beat but the pregnancy still grew. I wish I’d have known the likely outcome, perhaps the first scan waiting two weeks but then another 2 weeks delayed the outcome which on reflection was never looking promising.

Each time I understand it better and each time I think I’m armed and protected but I’m 1% of the population who is protected but by a body that doesn’t want a foreign invasion such as a pregnancy. I’m convinced.

This pregnancy is not over. Its not over until you get a negative pregnancy test. At that point for me I can accept it and move on. But I never forget.

Now I will wait for my next report to see if there is an answer to why my little flutter-flys heart stopped and also to see what my baby would have been.

💙💜