HAZY

It’s been a while. I’m not even sure if I’ve spelt “Hazey” correctly, but then it sums up how I am feeling today and have been feeling for the last few days.

Fourteen months since my life changed, and wow, how it does! Nothing can prepare you apart from living it. I’ve reached exhaustion!

I’m very happy, but for some unknown reason, this last week I’ve hit what could be similar to the baby blues that came in the first few weeks post-birth.

I could almost think I was pregnant again, except I’m not, after two very heavy periods. This is not something I have been used to – another change to my body post-baby.

My emotions are very heightened. I feel like I could cry. I feel heavy in my head. I’ve been suffering with bad headaches and light sensitivity. It’s an easy route to think the worst, but looking at my own lifestyle – unhealthy eating habits (too much coffee and cake), lack of sleep (catching up with work admin late into the night) and being on the go all the time (not much time for me) – it is easy to understand why I may feel this way.

I’m a new mum, 14 months on, but it is still new because each day brings a new challenge. Everything is new, as I have no prior experience to compare it with. I am tired because my girl still wakes during the night, and we co-sleep, so my rest is sporadic. Now that she is walking, it is even more tiring.

But I am responsible for how I feel because I do not take care of myself or manage our life to its best potential. Two days ago, I reached a point when I decided I needed to find my identity again. I didn’t realise I had lost it until it was suggested to me through some points I had put forward in a discussion.

I am exploring hypnotherapy to help manage my thought processes and actions around food, among other issues.

The question about my identity is: when and where did I lose it? I don’t feel this is from motherhood alone. However, so much had happened leading up to it that I am not surprised I have become lost on this journey.

Today, right now, my girl is at a new, second nursery, having a settling-in session. This is to give me some time to focus on myself and catch up on all the work that I have had no time for. It is also because she is so active and loves integrating and playing with other children. There is only so much I can provide for her.

Who would have thought, six months ago, when she started at her primary nursery, which she loves and I love too, that I would have the confidence to start her at a second one?

We all need time for ourselves. I dedicate so much time to her that, along with working and my responsibilities towards her, I have absolutely no time for my own self-care or running my own life. I have hopefully found a balance for both of us.

For now, I have started to decrease my addiction to sugar, coffee and cakes, which in itself leaves me feeling quite sad inside!

Sugar is like any addiction. Coming off what the body is used to and craves is quite a difficult process, as I am having withdrawal symptoms.

This too shall pass.